John Suder

Dear Friends and Others -

Below is my list of New Year’s Resolutions for 2007:

Catch up on movies
I’ve fallen a bit behind on my movie watching. For instance, does Naughty Asian Cheerleaders 12 have the same gripping story line as NAC 11? Do they resolve the inner conflicts in Ass Masters 5? And what about that cliffhanger in Do Me One More Time Vol. 36? I’ve got a lot of catching up to do.

Come up with a snappy catch phrase
I think most of our current pop catch phrases are played out.
(”Ya Think?” - I’ll punch the next person that says that.)
Some ideas so far:
“Go Eat a Bowl of Dicks.”
“That’s Funnier than a Daycare on Fire.” (variations: replace “daycare” with “puppies” or “babies”. For added punch, use all three.)
“Where’s the Beef?”

Work on my bad habits
I’m way too kind.

Work on my diet
I’m not sure it went wrong, but I’m beginning to think the ‘Hot Wings and Bud’ diet plan isn’t working.

Exercise More
I know what you’re thinking – how could someone as beautiful and chiseled as myself, get any better? The truth is, why stop at a six-pack, when maybe a 12-pack would be better? Also, i need to build up my left arm, as the right arm has been getting too much action as of late.

Develop a more solid financial plan
Lighting my $100 cigars with $50 bills is not a solid investment strategy.

Learn Something New
I hear this internets thing might be big.

Help Others
Spend more time with wayward mothers and start that foundation to assist Fallen Beauty Queens. Someone HAS to help the beauty queens! (Miss Nevada, call me, honey!)

Get Organized
I need to find out who that person is that’s been living in my spare room.

Quit Drinking
Ha, Ya Think?

Happy New Year, you miserable Fucks.
Go eat a bowl of dicks.